Downnn
What you must understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person. — Looking for Alaska 📖 No matter what I do.. I prayed, hoped, tried, smiled, given up, walked away, came back, anything… everything.. but the only thing that keeps me going now… is every single day’s surprising and simple uplifting encounters.. like…
Insomnia
I want to live and I want to die at the same time. Or maybe I’m just sleepless…and feeling invincible, because how the fuck can I still live like this? Every square inch of my body fights for me as if they have their own little lives over and under my skin. My heart calms…
These Days, Weeks, Months…
I miss you so badly, but my only option now is to live as if you never existed. Just like in 2024, I am planning to visit other country again or buy a new guitar. To live my life to the fullest. Hope you’re doing well.
My 6 Day Story
Saturday, the first night. I was rushed to the hospital, but no nearby facilities could accept me because we needed an S2-licensed psychiatrist. My family was advised to take me straight to the NCMH (National Center for Mental Health). They saved my life. I was nearly intubated and electroshocked…it was that life-threatening, my mother said.…
Circle of Friends
Some adults are lonelier than ordinary lonely adults because they are ashamed to admit the need of having friends. I caught myself being shameful while talking to my psychiatrist yesterday about it. Told him…I am ashamed to talk about this because I’m too old for this. (I’m 34) Due to above-normal heart palpitations and panic…
Rainfall.
Day 5. I just took some pictures and videos while riding on the back of my brother’s motorcycle. He drove me from Bulacan, Mandaluyong to Taguig, to search for available clonazepam stocks!!! And voilà! Zilch. A third world country problem…medicine stock. Day 6. It rained today. I’ve been asking for some rain since this summer…
Today.
***TW. substance use disorder. Day four after being diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar. Weak. I can’t do anything due to my crimson tide as well. I feel so weak. The physical copy of my clonazepam (a benzo) just arrived. I used to write about it when I was working as a content writer for our…
Live Diary, i guess? why not?
Day 1 after consultation. I have something to look forward to. My medicines. But I can’t talk to people without cigarettes so I just hide inside my room. I still can’t take a bath. Still can’t finish anything. Taking a bath daily in my tropical country is mandatory due to summer heat. But I don’t…
The Truth is…(relapse trigger warning)
When you’re depressed… when you have PTSD or Bipolar disorder, people may often misinterpret your symptoms. They think you just “need space” and end up staying away. I want to talk to people, but I can’t talk to those who don’t understand. Those who do understand are simply busy, and I don’t want to disturb…
Diagnosis
Today, I consulted with a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. I just got diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar. Had prescriptions today for antipsychotic (Risperidone), bipolar (Divalproex sodium), and sleeping pills (clonazepam). Three meds. lol. I will never use this as an excuse for my behavior but only sought help to help me…
Stand
i say every religion has its own extremists…no exceptions, ALL OF THEM, and so, i remain an omnist. no matter how dark this world can be. as a former atheist and theology student (years later), I refuse to be boxed into a single ideology now. (currently i like shintoism more tho because of its respect…
Journal
Poetry helps me survive. I can’t just do normal journaling because I even feel ashamed of myself. I can’t write direct words. But with poetry, everything seems to have life, even the darkest times of my life seem to have dancing auroras and nebulae.
TO YOU
Crippled, the blood in my heart rippledTamed, calmer…wiser…chiseledBurn it like a charcoal burnt already but not completelyThe core screams of hunger for fireBut the night you said you love me suddenlyAvalanched same old stories of cold nights it was all a dream.
AURORA in Manila 2025
“The worst you look when you dance the better it is, the more beautiful you look to the world…because the world can see that this person is free. And freedom is a very handsome thing to wear…” — AURORA AURORA Setlist at New Frontier Theater Goddess of Dusk (Instrumental Intro), Churchyard, Soulless Creatures, Infections of a…
Climbing Mt. Arayat
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” — Friedrich Nietzsche A few days ago, I was so low-spirited that I even thought having reasons to live is a torture due to the pressures of life. I’d forgotten everything I learned from my last hike in Mt. Arayat. Yes, I hiked…
ANAMEMOIR 