ANAMEMOIR

When you’re depressed… when you have PTSD or Bipolar disorder, people may often misinterpret your symptoms. They think you just “need space” and end up staying away. I want to talk to people, but I can’t talk to those who don’t understand. Those who do understand are simply busy, and I don’t want to disturb them.

Who will I be without alcohol or a cigarette in my mouth? I’ll freeze and can’t breathe. That is why I asked for professional support… but the physical copies of my prescriptions haven’t arrived yet. Can’t use online copy my doctor said. I can’t bring myself to go outside or check into a hospital; I just want to curl up in my room. However, I’m running out of cigarettes and alcohol. I haven’t bathed in five days. My breakfast today is just a cigarette.

There is nothing I want to do. I can’t practice the piano. I can’t draw. I can only write. I want to talk to someone, but above all, I want to talk to myself and post here because I’m having passive self-harming thoughts. If you’re reading this, know that I’m thankful you’re listening to me. ☺️ This is my own space, at the end of the day.

My psychologist friend told me that the prescriptions my doctor gave me might numb me.

Will I be a different person once I start this medication?

I have to go back to work in a week. I’ll be busy; my boss even offered me a promotion. I am capable of doing wonderful things, and I will do wonderful things. When it feels like nobody cares, you have to stand up for yourself. (I have trusted people I can run to…but to be hurt by the people you adore so much would make you feel alone.) I will never be the same. I’m going to buy the piano I’ve been dreaming to have and write my own songs.

I was planning to join a poetry book contest, but since the system for getting “known” in the art world revolves around capitalism, I’ve decided to only post my works here. It’s going to be free for you! ☺️

I want to write helpful things moving forward. Will I be okay? I will be okay. You’ll be okay, too.

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But how about the people who don’t have the means to get help? I feel so lucky. But how about the other people? What can I do for them?

If you’re in the Philippines and think you need professional help for mental health, get booked in PGH or NCMH for free assistance and do it fast before your worst symptoms! The scheduling might take 3-4 months!!!

My symptoms got worse and relapsed…but I had means to seek immediate help at least with selfpay. Do not wait for your mental health to get worse, it’s hard to get free assistance right away.

Search for online scheduling for PGH or NCMH. If it’s a mental health crisis, or you think you’d be harmful to yourself or others, they can accommodate you immediately if you go straight to their ER.

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Babe, you can do it. Choose to live.

🖤✨