ANAMEMOIR

The reality is… nobody is really used to any grim suffering. Yet, whenever I feel relaxed to sleep on my back, I tell myself, ‘I’m ready for some nightmares.’ It is because this sleeping position makes you vulnerable to bad dreams (…so they say). I assume that if I can warn myself beforehand, things might be more bearable. However, there are things easily foreseen that I can never bear. They created gods for this, to have a higher power with massive hands where we can place our baggage as we go to and fro, running away and running back.., carrying on living.

Being Christian-born, I have moments of prayer when faced with actual, harmful encounters. Yet, whenever my suffering comes from deep within or from future self-assumed predictions, I can’t stop myself from questioning all our beliefs. I still call myself an omnist because, after all, I respect all this world’s forms of a god. I can’t be an atheist anymore after staring death in the face. It was a stage in my life that felt like I lived upside down and was spiraling down until the bottom, where I finally received various forms of help, the place where I could get up. Not everyone can understand the blankness of emotions once you decide ‘that’s it,’ and I can accept that. Yet, nobody can shame you for accepting help, if they were not in your place.

I am struggling with everything. I am so afraid, spiraling down…yet at the bottom or once I wake up…it’ll be alright.